Sanctum Sanctorum

• Most taxi drivers are excellent drivers but poor human beings, they have no regard for traffic laws and they mostly disregard the safety of their passengers. It's all about quick turnover for increased profits. You cannot value a life in monetary terms but that isn't important to most! Traffic lanes, which do not exist, are suddenly created to suit a speeding taxi! Cutting off people, running red robots and stopping without much warning are the staple behaviour of a typical South African taxi driver. Cutting a taxi driver is my own personal victory, but sometimes it is a gamble because they don't particularly fear much on the roads. I must honestly say that I derived personal joy when I nearly introduced a taxi to a dividing barrier. It was the sound of the satisfying screech of rubber on tar, to avoid the barrier, that brought a smile to my face and the best part was that I managed this in a SMART car! Hehe.
• Male drivers are arrogant and mostly impatient. These individuals enjoy taking any opportunity to get ahead of you, either overtaking you or trying to intimidate you by riding up your rear! But granted, there are occasionally the nice guys out there, the ones who'll politely give you a spot in front of them or patiently allow you to go first at a four-way stop. These individuals are a rare breed and it is best to thank them or else you may turn them into the assholes previously mentioned! Now for the arrogant prick male driver the best way to treat them is to annoy them as much as possible and always acknowledge this with a curt wave and cheeky smile! If you are good at lip reading this is a good time to enjoy the reaction through your rearview mirror! Many a happy moment is spent cutting these guys off when given a chance or even driving at 130-140km/h on a 120km/h highway whilst in front of them, this activity is more pleasurable when you are on a 2-lane road and you are matching a slower-vehicle's speed! Morse code and signalling comes in handy here as the irate driver will flash his lights and wave his arms at you, again wave curtly and smile as you return his waves to you!
• Female drivers are my favourite, although less likely to claim from insurance they still are a cause for concern or frustration! Now don't get me wrong, I know of several female drivers who are quite able drivers and then I know of a couple female drivers who ruin it for the rest! Hehe. Women drivers can vary between two extremes when driving, now this refers to the bad female drivers, these extremes are the overly cautious female driver and then the reckless abandon driver. Now the overly cautious female driver is a driver who will not take chances and will let chances pass her by on the road. I commend these courageous women for braving our roads, but then again I would like to show them what an exhaust pipe is really for! The overly cautious driver will sit at an intersection making sure it is safe to enter and cross through the intersection, this means waiting for a period where no cars will be in a 200km vicinity of said driver. This becomes frustrating for the driver stuck behind her, as she yet again waits her turn to cross the fourway stop! The overly cautious driver is also entertaining on the highway, as suddenly she will keep a following distance the size of a boeing 747 between her and the car ahead of her! The reckless abandon driver is the female driver who thinks that she can defy all the normal bounds of driving in favour of multitasking! Now most women are under the misconception that they are in fact created in the image of Kali (the many-armed Hindu goddess) and thus able to do several things at one time and this would include driving. Now I speak of those women who drive whilst applying make up, drinking coffee and relaying the latest gossip to her girlfriend while driving! At one or other time I am sure you will witness this spectacle and my advice to you is to avoid this type of driver as they have a tendency to treat the road as a single vehicle road only and that means there is no space for you! Now the able female drivers are a fun lot, they are especially fun on the highway! Their penchant for speed and for swearing like a trouper are admirable traits and when given a chance these drivers can put most male drivers to shame (Louisa - you know what I mean!) hehe. Rule of thumb - Strap yourself in and enjoy the drive!

Now beyond the drivers on the roads in South Africa we have the remaining road users: motorbikes, bicycles and pedestrians...

• One thing can be said for motorcyclists, the smaller the vehicle the cheekier (and brave) the driver! Now, I try and be as polite as possible to motorcyclists but at times I wanna take some of those assholes down! If only it didn't involve mangling them, it would be worth it! Homicide isn't my style (nor manslaughter) so I tend to leave these assholes be. They can speed off and stay far away from me on the roads, as it may be safer for all parties involved!
• Now, as for cyclists, these little diehards are an amusing lot. Road rules do not apply to you if you are driving a bicycle as it is common knowledge that all >900kg cars are to swerve out of your way as you have every right to be riding your bicycle in the middle of the lane! Drivers are mindreaders and psychic and they are able to know when you plan to turn. Cyclists (as a result of their speed) are similar to pedestrians for the following reason...
• Pedestrians are known to cross unexpectedly in unexpected ways on our nations roads. Never mind 'Look left, then right and then left again' it's more like, "this is a good time to cross, I am sure they can't hit a moving target!" Nothing pleases me more than seeing a sign on a highway stating 'Beware Pedestrians Crossing'!

So, all in all driving on South Africa's roads is bound to turn you into some kind of bigot! My advice to you is to avoid raising your blood pressure by just calmly enjoying your drive, you are bound to get to your destination eventually!

Now Neville Marks put the following forward as...

10 basic rules for driving in Gauteng: (as seen in The Star 19 February 2007)

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Gauteng driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front because the space will immediately be filled by three taxis.
3. The faster you drive through a red light the smaller your chance of an accident.
4. Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign - it will only result in you being rearended.
5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving you a relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
6. Speed limits are given as a guideline and are not applicable during rush hour. (Why do you think it's called "rush hour"?)
7. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over means that the bakkie driver flashing his high beams behind thinks he can somehow go faster in your spot.
8. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident. It's tradition.
9. Learn to swerve abruptly. High-speed slalom driving is necessary -  the Road Works Department encourages holes in key positions to test your reflexes.
10. It is traditional in Gauteng to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green - it prevents mynahs from building nests on your car.

You've got to love driving on our roads at time, life would be so boring without the frustration!

Happy Valentine’s Day or is it Happy Single People Awareness Day?

It’s that time of year again, the shops are at it again adorning the windows with red hearts and images of Cupid, bow ready at hand to pierce the hearts of the unsuspecting. I am feeling nauseas just thinking about it!

Valentine’s Day, another mass marketed celebration, with the aim of fleecing the poor consumer during what should be the Christmas recovery phase! I am not a huge fan of Valentine’s Day for reasons that will be, one day, made apparent and like many others I prefer to remain cynical about the whole hoo-ha. It is pretty nauseating seeing couples cosy together on this day, as if the other 364 days aren’t enough. Why use one day as the opportunity to shower your loved one with love? It seems pretty pointless when you think about the other days that you can celebrate your love for that special someone, like an anniversary to commemorate joining together as a couple or a birthday to celebrate the life you now love? But the marketing departments for the companies of greeting cards, flowers, chocolates and other romantic fodder leap to the opportunity to tell you that you should buy their goods to show your loved one that you do in fact love them when you haven’t really bothered to show it before! It was quite well said in the following youtube video Cat Food & Bean Dip which is really quite a good short film.

Okay, so maybe I am being a little too cynical about the whole idea behind it. But it beats feeling sorry for myself, which I will be doing tonight with a table of other single people! The thought brings me such joy! Okay, now seriously I feel like I am going to hurl! Hehe.

A novel idea and it should be fun to watch. I have only ever gone out for dinner once for Valentine’s Day before so tonight will be ‘date’ number two! I am sure the company will be good and I can flirt with the only straight guy at the table. Will make the evening interesting at least and it gives my sadistic side to shine! Hehe. I am so evil…

So, to all the people celebrating your love tonight, save it for another time because then the price of chocolates and flowers should have dropped by then. To the single people tonight, enjoy it as it is our day. A day to feel sorry for ourselves and a day to indulge in loving ourselves a little bit more. The way I see it, I have loads of love to give so I may as well give myself some of it!

Happy Single People Awareness Day!